Reflections and Fears

I try not to think about the possibilities every time Kasey goes back into the OR. However, tonight I am seriously reminded of the fact that every time she goes back- there is a risk. 

I found out this morning that another little girl in the Spina Bifida community passed away yesterday. Her name was Layla and she was 4 years old. When I see her picture and think about what her family is going through- it breaks my heart. I know that it could have been Kasey. I know that someday - it could happen. It scares me to death but I have to try not to live in that fear each and every day or it would eat me alive. 

I think that all of us who have special children deal with this. The what-ifs, the maybes, etc. I think for the most part we manage to push it all down inside. For me- I manage to avoid thinking about it except for when I hear about the death of another little one with Spina Bifida or when Kaseyi s being wheeled away from me towards the operating room. Then, every minute until I see her again I am left wondering what might happen if something goes wrong. 

I guess the purpose of this post is so that those of you who deal with this know that you are not alone- and those of you who don’t know that we deal with this…. you know what those special mamas in your life deal with when their babies go back to the OR- whether it be once or a dozen times. 

Sometimes- its hard to get these things across- plus, we do not like to whine and etc. about part of what it is we do as mamas. Its part of our jobs-part of what we do because we love our children.