Sometimes I read a blog post that someone else writes and it makes me think of something and then I end up having an idea. This post is sparked by such a thing.
She was talking about the second type of mourning special mamas go through. Yes, we mourn the things we wanted for our children. But we also mourn what kind of mother we might have been if we had not had our children with “extras.”
It got me to thinking about what kind of mom I might have been if Kasey had been “typical” from birth. Maya’s Mom talks about the things she might have experienced and done differently and as I thought about how things might have been for me- I am thankful that my journey is at it is.
When Kasey was born I was almost 19. While I had experienced many things that made me different from my peers- I still had growing up to do. I was selfish (as I think most teens are), and I did not have my head on completely straight. My world view was a lot different than it is not (again something I think is typical of 18 year olds).
The change in me started the moment I found out I was pregnant- 2 months after my 18th Birthday I found out I was pregnant. I stopped the drinking,I stopped the partying in general and I started keeping more to myself. Most girls who become moms at a young age will realize pretty quickly that it changes things. However, the change for me became more surreal when I found out that Kasey would be born with Spina Bifida, Hydrocephelus and possible clubbed feet.
At that point I realized I needed more of a plan. I couldn’t just get a babysitter and keep attending classes and hanging out with friends. Kasey could not be left with just anyone. I also had doctors appointments to take her to, therapies she needed, more visitors to our home and etc. Thanks to my dad- I was able to stay living with him, finally learn to drive and get a vehicle. My first vehicle was a mini van because I knew that I would need the space for Kaseys equipment she would have!
I switched my classes to online classes, I spent my time working with Kasey from the very beginning on her strength. I learned all kinds of stuff so I could help her develop the upper body strength that is so important and etc.
I met amazing people. One person was the Early Interventionist who came to my house once a week to work with Kasey. Her name was Carol and I have such fond memories of all she did to teach me to be a better mama. Writing this blog post has made me decide I need to tell her how much she truly meant to us and so I’m going to e-mail her and send her some pictures!
There are things I would have done a lot differently if Kasey had not had extras- not all of them I’m ready to share at this point in my life but suffice to say..
I do not think I would be the kind of mom I am without Kasey.
From the beginning- she has been my saving grace. I find myself amazed at the changes she has wrought in me.
There are those who say that God picks special parents to have His special children. I think in this case- he picked a special child for me. Kasey is my hero in so many ways. There are many times recently where I feel as if I have failed her in certain areas and I am working so hard to correct those things.
There are days where I do feel like there are a lot of negative things going on and I tend to whine but I believe that when I look back at this time in several years- I will realize that all of it had a purpose. Just as I Look back at the past 4 years and realize in how many ways I have grown up and changed.
Yes- there would have probably been some positive differences in having a typical child but I would not change my journey for anything. <3